Its one of those moments where you don't want to cry, but you don't know what else to do.

I've never, EVER, expressed myself like I did that night. I've never said "Ok, heres the deal, heres what I think and this is what I want" to anyone before... especially not a boy... and especially not one that I've had such a history with. I don't know how and I don't know why but I did it. And where did that get me? The same place I started from. Just another girl. Just one of many. A couple months ago that would have bothered me. A couple months ago I would have driven myself crazy with the fact that I made that mistake yet again.

But now... the strange thing is, it doesn't phase me. I don't care about him the way I used to. I wish I did... not because theres anything there... but because it would at least make a hell of a lot more sense than what I'm feeling now.

I had a really long talk tonight with someone who, despite their big-headedness and sometimes assholeishness, I love talking to. He's stuck wanting someone who is halfway across the world... but at least he knows she wants him back and is thinking of him to. And as sucky as that situation sounds, knowing that she is thinking about him makes him ten times better off than I am... right next to someone who has no feelings for me whatsoever.

The funny thing is... I was so close. Or at least I thought I was. It was just waving around right in front of my face. And then the next thing I know... its gone. Its never felt like this... I've never felt so distant.

"Don't give up on lost causes... Because you never know when your luck will change" I think its time I had a change of luck.