Why does this always happen to me? I'm sick and tired of being fucked over. Why can't I for once just have things turn out good for a change, if only for a little while. This is gunna fucking kill me... and its only the begining.

Today was just one of those days. I don't even know how to describe it. It was sooo much fun hanging out with Emilie today. Going to the mall, then to Red Robin, then stalking, then bowling... just like old times. I miss the way things used to be. The Beautiful Soul, Corey Shane, McDonalds Mondays days. But then it was like in a span of 15 minutes everything went from awesome to horrible. Poor Bethie, she was all trying to cheer me up on the way to her bro's show. I dunno... I know I shouldn't care or be wasting my time. Its sooo stupid. But I can't help it. And then theres the puppy dog look (haha, you know what I'm talking about Anna). I seriously melt and just think of everything that happened way back when whenever I see it. It fucking kills me and I don't know why. Maybe I'm just too emotional these days.

... My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me...


Today was a good day for the most part. And last weekend would have been if I didn't feel like shit, but thats besides the point. I'm glad that everything is going well. I've made some awesome friends lately, and become closer to ones I already had. And I'm sooo excited for this weekend. And for summer, its gunna kick ass!!! I'm so over letting everything get to me. For the most part I let things go pretty easy, except for the things that really do hit the spot and then its almost like theres no turning back. But I don't know if I even care about that anymore. I do, but whatever happens, happens. And its so nice having all my awesome friends there for me through everything... and you guys know that I'll be there for you!!! I LOVE YOU!


... So won't you kill me?... So I die happy...

1. Tell the other person that you love them 2. Give or get a hug 3. Make the other person feel important and respected 4. Kiss 5. Have fun together 6. Tell the other person that you care 7. Hold hands 8. Go for a long bike ride 9. Give a special gift 10. Be there when a friend is needed 11. Spend time together 12. Go to a movie 13. Walk arm in arm in the woods (and not by the cabin of a crashed plane haha) 14. Make a special tape of love songs 15. Talk openly about your feelings 16. Share dreams with each other (but be sure they aren't about sex) 17. Snuggle up together (but not too close now) 18. Sit together in a park 19. Take a walk together 20. Go out to eat (not eat out, theres a difference) 21. Have a picnic 22. Play a game of frisbee 23. Give compliments 24. Relax in a whirlpool 25. Go swimming 26. Just be close (again, not too close though) 27. Go grocery shopping 28. Cook a meal together 29. Touch each other in a loving way (but not a sexual way) 30. Do homework together 31. Plan and go on a road trip together (because staying in a hotel room isn't tempting at all...) 32. Throw a party together 33. Bake cookies 34. Go to the library (come one, wouldn't having sex in a library be sweet) 35. Browse in a museum 36. Just be there 37. Find out what's special for the other person, and do it (well, obviously not IT) 38. Excersise together (you'll both be hot and sweaty afterwards so its close enough) 39. Gaze at each other (but don't stare, thats creepy) 40. Was each other's cars 41. Go fishing 42. Talk to each other 43. Listen to hurts 44. Do a work project together 45. Choose a special, favorite song 46. Listen to joys 47. Hold one another close 48. Use eye contact to share a private thought (hopefully you can both read minds) 49. Write each other letters 50. Talk on the telephone 51. Trust one another 52. Give or receive a promise ring 53. Meet each other's family 54. Go hiking together 55. Make sacrifices for each other 56. Send candy 57. Respect each other 58. Go for a moonlight walk 59. Hide a love note where the other will find it (what the point in hiding it then?) 60. Give each other sexy looks (look... but don't touch) 61. Write a poem 62. Send flowers 63. Eat dinner by candlelight 64. Go to a concert 65. Watch the sunrise together 66. Take a drive together 67. Give each other pet names (not to be used during sex) 68. Go sightseeing (not that kinda sightseeing) 69. Rent a video 70. Do things for each other without being asked 71. Propose marriage (ya gotta get to the sex sometime...) 72. Whisper something nice into each other's ear 73. Be best friends 74. Take a carriage ride through the park 75. Go out dancing 76. Play music together 77. Flirt with each other 78. Laugh at something funny together 79. Be faithful 80. Impress each other 81. Make a list of things you like about each other 82. Read a book and discuss it 83. Meet each other's friends (Swingers!) 84. Go horseback riding (ooo that'll just make things easier for later) 85. Cook each other's favorite food 86. Find out what makes the other happy 87. Make each other gifts (crotchless panties!) 88. Be caring 89. Watch the sunset 90. Give diamonds 91. Dedicate a song on the radio 92. Send a funny card 93. Share lifetime goals with each other 94. Play "footsie" (hahahahahaha) 95. Share private jokes 96. Think about each other 97. Find out waht makes the other sad 98. Go skating 99. Trade class rings 100. Share an ice cream cone 101. Have your picture taken together



Hahaha... good old Planned Parenthood brochures

Damn, this was seriously the longest week ever! I can't WAIT for summer and school to end, ugh!!! First the week started out with me being sick which sucked!!! Damn Grady... so of course I was completely tired and out of it for awhile. And then I had my Chemistry project to do, which I totally bombed but I don't really care because I really honestly didn't have the energy to worry about it. Then Friday was Chemistry Chaos which actually didn't really feel all that much like a school day, so that helped things. But it sucked that I had to go to work, and we were so busy!! After work me and Beth met up with Andrew and I gave him his birthday present, but we just drove and sat around pretty much and went home early. Then yesterday I slept all day and then I had to go to work which SUCKED because Beth wasn't there and we were sooo busy! I didn't even wanna work at all in the first place cuz I missed Andrew's 18th birthday barbeque thing and I was sad! So after work me and Anna just went over there to catch the end of it and hung out there for awhile. Haha I had fun with like Anna, Anna, Megan, Paige, and Emilie playing crazy mind games and stuff. Then afterwards we were just gunna go home, but me and Anna ended up going and hanging out with Grady, Chris, Guy, and some other guys that I didn't know. That was interesting... but hanging out with them is always an adventure for sure. Then at like 4 I took the boys home and ended up sleeping in my car with Anna for a little while. At least I came prepared with blankets this time!!! Then today I hung out with my Anna and we talked for awhile... I love that girl. I don't know what I'd do without her!!!

I really, really need to take a break from boys. I'm so proud of myself for last night, but it still just all sucks right now. I hate the drama that goes along with girl relationships, but guys aren't much better either. I just need to settle down a bit...

Ok, so a little bit of an update:

Last night was Prom. Not going to go into any details there besides we a took a limo to Maggiano's and the dance. Then I went to after Prom for awhile and got to hang out with everyone which was fun!! I love my friends, haha! Then I went back to my house with Grady, Isa, Chris, Beth, & Brittany and hung out there, which was pretty fun too. It was nice hanging out with those guys again cuz I never see them anymore... but it wasn't really anything too exciting, I was still pretty worn out from the night before when a bunch of Sophmores came over. That was fucking crazy... haha they are sooo funny though!!! Then Anna, Megan, & Grady ended up staying the night at my house. Yeah, I had a little bit more to drink than I probably should have the night before having to get ready for Prom and shit but oops, oh well.

School... sucks. I'm busting my butt off to keep my grades up. I didn't do any homework at all this weekend though, I'm not even sure if I had any. And I still need to do my Chemistry project... oops!! But thats what this week is for, I guess. I can't wait until summer!!!! It definitely won't come soon enough though.

Work, on the other hand, is going quite well. I love everyone I work with to death... man. I mean, there are some people that get a little, strange (haha Beth), on certain occasions... but for the most part its a damn good job. I love having money soooo much! I was sad I missed this big arm wrestling match the other night though, I heard it was a good one. Oh well, next time...

My friends kick ass. I'm not even kidding... even though things are going fairly well I've still been incredibly stressed out lately. But I love Anna to death, she helps me get through it... And I'm so glad everything with Jenna and Lindsay and Kendra is good again. Makes things a lot less dramatic, and I LOVE hanging out with those girls (even though I don't really have the time anymore). And Beth is my baby, she keeps my head on straight.

My guy situation... well, that actually could use a little work. I really wish that I could have a relationship with someone like I do with him... with anyone other than him. It'd be awesome... And then of course I HATE the feeling of wanting what you can't have. Simply hate it. But, whatever.

I really should stop drinking. Just because I make a complete IDIOT of myself every time I do... haha.

And I think I got sick after last night. If I did... I'm gunna be pissed!!!!! I'm exhausted as it is...

But yeah, thats my life at the moment. In case you were wondering. And if you weren't... well that sucks you just read that entire thing for no reason. :)

It'll never end, will it? I'm soooo sick of everything. I just wanna lay in bed for a week and maybe when I decide to get up again, everything will be ok. Ha, I wish. Today was one of the most up and down days I think I've ever had. I was backforth between happy and sad the entire day. I can't take that much!!! Not these days at least...

I feel so... out of control. Tonight at work Casey kept laughing at me because I was so worked up and stressed out the whole time. I'm freaking out here, I don't know why I'm just sooooo in a frenzy. I just want to cry, but its like I don't have the time or energy to even do that anymore. Its not just work, its everything else on top of it. This sucks... AH!

I'm worn out. Physically. Emotionally.







I need sleep.

"... Say a prayer for me... When you go to bed... I'm in need of your faith now..."

I'm proud of myself. I think I'm growing up and learning to make my own decisions. I feel a lot more independent and happy with myself because I'm following my own heart and not everyone else's. I was so used to being close to just one person that I thought thats what I needed in my life... one person to count on. But I really like hanging out with different people and spending time with everyone. I'm finding it a lot easier to decide what I think rather than following the "crowd". And the whole faith thing became a big issue for me...

"... Light the fire in my weary soul... Bend the flame... Make me whole... Lord you know, just where I've been... So light the fire in my heart again..."

I used to be so sure and confident when it came to my faith. I was Catholic, I believed in God, and that was that. But, shit happens. I lost all faith that I had in anything, including myself. And that sucked. But everything happens for a reason. I'm scared to death of the future, and I think it's easier to hide behind mistakes and make excuses. And I really am trying to figure out for myself right and wrong. Part of me wants to put off responsibility and dedication for later and have fun while I can, but part of me also knows later may be too late. You only live once, I wanna get it right. Its amazing how one moment can change everything. That one moment reminded me of why I even had faith in the first place. Now, I just wonder where it went, and if I can get it back.

"... So you're standing on the ledge... And you wait your turn to fall... But you're so far gone that you don't see... The hands upheld to catch you..."

Everything is moving so fast these days. I'm so busy, I'm not used to it. I'm working a lot, and when I'm not working I'm usually with Anna... or waiting for Anna (haha). I love having the escape from the high school drama, and I love everyone that I work with. Its kind of hard keeping up with everything that has been going on lately, somoenes always mad at someone... but the whole experiance has made me realize a lot of the mistakes I made. I understand now where people were coming from and why people did the things they did. I'm not justifying it or saying it was right... I just understand. For the record: I'm sorry. I know I've done some pretty fucked up shit these past couple of months. But I love you all SO much, I hope you know that!

"... He's everything you want... He's everything you need...He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be..."

Prom's coming up. Its weird... I swear the people that want to go, aren't going... and the people that don't wanna go are. I'm not saying I fit into that, its just what I've noticed. I hate the feeling of wanting what you can't have. Especially when you've had a taste of it at one point or another. I'm getting better... maybe? Hopefully.



But... thats basically all I have to say. I have another weekend filled of work and hanging out with the Anthony's gang ahead of me. And hopefully Anna, if she can get her parents to let her stay out! (Don't forget to suck up, babe... I miss you!)