I miss the way things used to be. I don't even know who I am anymore, besides a fuckin' alcoholic thats lost everything that mattered and is about to lose her mind too. It seems like I always fuck up the good things in my life for the same old stupid shit. I just can't let go of the people that hurt me... yet I manage to push away everyone else. I trust people way too easily... and I trust all the wrong people. I hate myself for knowing that, but still doing it anyway. I swear, I just set myself up to get my heart broken and screwed over time and time again. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now... and maybe kind of gotten the hint that things are never going to be the way I want them to be. But I still go out of my way to have just one moment of happiness, even if it means digging myself into an even deeper hole. The best friend I ever had can't even look at me anymore, its like we don't even know each other and that kills me more than anything. I love her so much, and I don't think she knows that... or cares... I've fucked up so bad. I'm scared to death of losing what I care about now, because thats all I have left, but I'm afraid it might be too late.
I've spent the last... I don't even know how long anymore... working for something that I'm never going to get. I hate wanting what I can't have... not being able to get it just makes me want it even more. I'm constantly wondering what I can do to change it... how the hell I'm supposed to fix things and just be with the only person I've ever cared about this much. Not that I blame him... or anyone else for that matter... for not wanting anything to do with me. But it still just hurts so bad because I've tried so hard, and gotten absolutely no where. Honestly... what do I have to show for the past year besides empty bottles, broken friendships, and a fucking broken heart.